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Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive

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The author of Self-Compassion follows up her groundbreaking book with new ideas that expand our notion of self-kindness and its capacity to transform our lives, showing women how to balance tender self-acceptance with fierce action to claim their power and change the world. Kristin Neff changed how we talk about self-care with her enormously popular first book, Self-Compass The author of Self-Compassion follows up her groundbreaking book with new ideas that expand our notion of self-kindness and its capacity to transform our lives, showing women how to balance tender self-acceptance with fierce action to claim their power and change the world. Kristin Neff changed how we talk about self-care with her enormously popular first book, Self-Compassion. Now, ten years and many studies later, she expands her body of work to explore a brand-new take on self-compassion. Although kindness and self-acceptance allow us to be with ourselves as we are, in all our glorious imperfection, the desire to alleviate suffering at the heart of this mindset isn't always gentle, sometimes it's fierce. We must also act courageously in order to protect ourselves from harm and injustice, say no to others so we can meet our own needs, and motivate necessary change in ourselves and society. Gender roles demand that women be soft and nurturing, not angry or powerful. But like yin and yang, the energies of fierce and tender self-compassion must be balanced for wholeness and wellbeing. Drawing on a wealth of research, her personal life story and empirically supported practices, Neff demonstrates how women can use fierce and tender self-compassion to succeed in the workplace, engage in caregiving without burning out, be authentic in relationships, and end the silence around sexual harassment and abuse. Most women intuitively recognize fierceness as part of their true nature, but have been discouraged from developing it. Women must reclaim their power in order to create a healthier society and find lasting happiness. In this wise, caring, and enlightening book, Neff shows women how to reclaim balance within themselves, so they can help restore balance in the world.


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The author of Self-Compassion follows up her groundbreaking book with new ideas that expand our notion of self-kindness and its capacity to transform our lives, showing women how to balance tender self-acceptance with fierce action to claim their power and change the world. Kristin Neff changed how we talk about self-care with her enormously popular first book, Self-Compass The author of Self-Compassion follows up her groundbreaking book with new ideas that expand our notion of self-kindness and its capacity to transform our lives, showing women how to balance tender self-acceptance with fierce action to claim their power and change the world. Kristin Neff changed how we talk about self-care with her enormously popular first book, Self-Compassion. Now, ten years and many studies later, she expands her body of work to explore a brand-new take on self-compassion. Although kindness and self-acceptance allow us to be with ourselves as we are, in all our glorious imperfection, the desire to alleviate suffering at the heart of this mindset isn't always gentle, sometimes it's fierce. We must also act courageously in order to protect ourselves from harm and injustice, say no to others so we can meet our own needs, and motivate necessary change in ourselves and society. Gender roles demand that women be soft and nurturing, not angry or powerful. But like yin and yang, the energies of fierce and tender self-compassion must be balanced for wholeness and wellbeing. Drawing on a wealth of research, her personal life story and empirically supported practices, Neff demonstrates how women can use fierce and tender self-compassion to succeed in the workplace, engage in caregiving without burning out, be authentic in relationships, and end the silence around sexual harassment and abuse. Most women intuitively recognize fierceness as part of their true nature, but have been discouraged from developing it. Women must reclaim their power in order to create a healthier society and find lasting happiness. In this wise, caring, and enlightening book, Neff shows women how to reclaim balance within themselves, so they can help restore balance in the world.

30 review for Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive

  1. 5 out of 5

    Caitlin Da Silva

    “While each of us is the central protagonist in the story of our lives, all our stories are intertwined. When fierce and tender compassion runs through our veins and flows inward as well as outward, we help both society and ourselves.” p.301 In FIERCE SELF COMPASSION, Neff walks through the three main components of self compassion: 1️⃣ mindfulness - being able to be present with our own pain as we’re feeling it 2️⃣ common humanity - honouring the shared nature of suffering with fellow humans 3️⃣ ki “While each of us is the central protagonist in the story of our lives, all our stories are intertwined. When fierce and tender compassion runs through our veins and flows inward as well as outward, we help both society and ourselves.” p.301 In FIERCE SELF COMPASSION, Neff walks through the three main components of self compassion: 1️⃣ mindfulness - being able to be present with our own pain as we’re feeling it 2️⃣ common humanity - honouring the shared nature of suffering with fellow humans 3️⃣ kindness - understanding and accepting our struggles instead of directing judgement towards them As someone who’s been on my own journey of combating shame and unrealistic expectations (🙋‍♀️ recovering perfectionist over here lol), this book gave me lots of tidbits to reflect on. I love its specific focus on women’s relationship with self-compassion — the power of making room for BOTH yin and yang, despite the pressures there can be to always be in a nurturing state. The reality is, it’s okay to be unapologetically drawing boundaries, caring for ourselves first, taking up space in the workplace, combating our inner critic, etc. Each chapter ends in a self-compassion exercise and, although I’ll admit to not doing every single one (there’s a fair bit of repetition among them), I do feel like these are exercises I’ll come back to as I inevitably end up needing some tools to work through life’s obstacles. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/5 I’m curious to explore more of the research that’s being done in the self-compassion area and feel inspired to welcome more self-compassion into my daily life. As much as this is a SELF help book about SELF compassion, it’s also very much so a call to look outside your own bubble—a message that’s always resonated with me, but seems increasingly valuable today.

  2. 5 out of 5

    Howard

    Beautifully done book. Like I said before, both men and women should read this. Its required reading if you work, care for a sick or elderly person, ... actually if you're alive! Her exercises make you think, in a real way. I love her work. The way she was treated by her alma mater made me sweat with rage. That part reminds me of the Jim Crow south in the US. She started her Mindful Self-Compassion organization to help people, and that didn't count to get tenure? Gimme a break! As a society, we Beautifully done book. Like I said before, both men and women should read this. Its required reading if you work, care for a sick or elderly person, ... actually if you're alive! Her exercises make you think, in a real way. I love her work. The way she was treated by her alma mater made me sweat with rage. That part reminds me of the Jim Crow south in the US. She started her Mindful Self-Compassion organization to help people, and that didn't count to get tenure? Gimme a break! As a society, we can do so much better than holding women to these outdated painful standards. Besides, everyone needs self-compassion, just like Helena Roth's "Doing Gentle With an Edge" you can learn to treat yourself better, even when you make mistakes.

  3. 5 out of 5

    Jennifer Louden

    this is such an important book! Check out my interview with Kristen on June 15th on my podcast Create out Loud, wherever you listen to your podcasts!

  4. 5 out of 5

    Myridian

    This book represents Neff’s attempt to incorporate the Buddhist idea of compassion and self compassion with ideas around being forceful and standing up for one’s own and others’ rights. I really wanted to like this book. I self identify as a feminist, I believe in the sociocultural factors that impact women in general and those with identities that intersect with other marginalized groups in particular. I also am a Buddhist. I wanted to like this book and instead I really didn’t. For one thing, This book represents Neff’s attempt to incorporate the Buddhist idea of compassion and self compassion with ideas around being forceful and standing up for one’s own and others’ rights. I really wanted to like this book. I self identify as a feminist, I believe in the sociocultural factors that impact women in general and those with identities that intersect with other marginalized groups in particular. I also am a Buddhist. I wanted to like this book and instead I really didn’t. For one thing, the introduction of the term fierce self compassion felt completely unnecessary. What Neff is really talking about is anger and being compassionate around the experience of anger and then utilizing anger effectively. She spends so much time justifying anger experiences and talking about how anger is a marginalized emotion for women (well researched and validated) but spends so little time talking about the fact that we can act too much from a place of anger and be ineffective. She has examples of her “bulldog” and “mama bear” energy, but her complete solution is self compassion not analysis of the effectiveness of our actions. In fact, Neff’s solution to every ill appears to be self compassion and, according to the book, self compassion is responsible for all positive outcomes. Neff does present ample research citations for this claim and I must admit that I haven’t looked at the original research her, but dismantle the construct or place it in the context of other psychological constructs. She doesn’t mention the overlap between self compassion and things like cognitive restructuring. Any of that would strengthen the information presented. Then there are the personal stories. There are times that personal stories are wonderful and illustrative but despite Neff’s best efforts her stories don’t come off that way. There is a dilemma here. Mentioning things that come off as complaining are always a risk, but allocating all blame to someone else or to societal factors especially makes it come off this way. I’ve been trying to self examine as to whether this would be the case if Neff was male and I think it would be. I was also uncomfortable with Neff using her son’s autism as an example throughout the book of her own personal challenges as well as the challenge of teaching him to be compassionate towards himself. I recognize that a whole book has already been written about Neff’s child. And at the same time intentionally placing one’s child in the lime light in anything but the most generic or complimentary way seems potentially exploitative and like it’s taking away his choice when he is adult on how to present himself to the world. Overall I felt disappointed and don’t feel much motivation to examine her other works. Things like Dan Siegel’s The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-Being, the Segal, Teasdale, Williams Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression: A New Approach to Preventing Relapse, or of course any of the Hayes books on acceptance and commitment therapy would be my picks, even for the layperson.

  5. 4 out of 5

    M

    I found this book to be informative and soothing. Neff does really important work and having read her previous book on self compassion, I thought this was a fascinating look at how women/gender intersects with compassion. The Me Too section was really strong. This book was a good reminder of how fleeting self esteem is and how full self compassion can be, and how the simple act of putting your hand on your heart and saying a kind, comforting thing to yourself as you would a friend can really hel I found this book to be informative and soothing. Neff does really important work and having read her previous book on self compassion, I thought this was a fascinating look at how women/gender intersects with compassion. The Me Too section was really strong. This book was a good reminder of how fleeting self esteem is and how full self compassion can be, and how the simple act of putting your hand on your heart and saying a kind, comforting thing to yourself as you would a friend can really help.

  6. 5 out of 5

    Nicole

    This book was POWERFUL and should be essential reading for everyone! Fierce Self-Compassion made me feel validated and seen, and it is a must-read for all women! And men, if they want to understand the struggles and journeys women go through, from gender roles, sexism, imposter syndrome and dismissal/disrespect in male-dominated workplaces, and the silence around sexual harassment and abuse. Note: None of this is anything I'm going through now, but I have been through multiple times, as many wome This book was POWERFUL and should be essential reading for everyone! Fierce Self-Compassion made me feel validated and seen, and it is a must-read for all women! And men, if they want to understand the struggles and journeys women go through, from gender roles, sexism, imposter syndrome and dismissal/disrespect in male-dominated workplaces, and the silence around sexual harassment and abuse. Note: None of this is anything I'm going through now, but I have been through multiple times, as many women have, and remain silent. This book felt so good for my soul to lift the weight of my post-traumatic thoughts and inner anger when events come back into mind. This book wasn't on my radar but showed up in the library. My first thought was that it might be flowery and simply about loving yourself. However, it went far above my expectations and goes through areas where women are commonly suffering. The book gives us concrete advice to help evaluate and bring out our inner voice to stand up for ourselves. It also provides easy-to-follow mindfulness practices to help us let go of self-criticism and not let anyone disrespect our boundaries.

  7. 5 out of 5

    Stacy Audirsch

    It was the first of her works that I've read and parts of it regarding self and self compassion were great but the political bias ruined it for me. It was the first of her works that I've read and parts of it regarding self and self compassion were great but the political bias ruined it for me.

  8. 5 out of 5

    Christy

    The yin and yang of compassion...this is a truly wise and helpful book for anyone hoping to find the balance.

  9. 5 out of 5

    Lyndsey Thackston

    This book is phenomenal and does an excellent job of striking a good balance between compassion and assertiveness.

  10. 4 out of 5

    Kristen

    Kristin Neff has hit another big home run; this book is the yang to her first book's yin. Her research explores the action side of self-compassion. The mama-bearness of fierce self-compassion is an important complement to the tenderness and self-care for which she advocated in her first book, Self-Compassion. I just love her, and I appreciate all that her research has done for me in my personal life. ***Neff is pretty transparent with her political beliefs as she applies her research to current Kristin Neff has hit another big home run; this book is the yang to her first book's yin. Her research explores the action side of self-compassion. The mama-bearness of fierce self-compassion is an important complement to the tenderness and self-care for which she advocated in her first book, Self-Compassion. I just love her, and I appreciate all that her research has done for me in my personal life. ***Neff is pretty transparent with her political beliefs as she applies her research to current and recent events, so do with that what you will.***

  11. 5 out of 5

    Julie

    returned unfinished I love Kristin's first book I love MSC but... This book started out as a feminist manifesto much too politically opinionated. I stopped reading this book for the same reason I stopped watching the news. I'll stick to the meat of the subject in her podcast meditation. returned unfinished I love Kristin's first book I love MSC but... This book started out as a feminist manifesto much too politically opinionated. I stopped reading this book for the same reason I stopped watching the news. I'll stick to the meat of the subject in her podcast meditation.

  12. 5 out of 5

    Janiene

    The title of this book really attracted me. I am a person who has experienced the ramifications of living a Fierce life, experiencing the effects of attack, rejection, and social isolation and feel the author speaks to this beautifully. But at this stage in my life, self-compassion is really a journey to me...and way less about everything external to me. Once I successfully have love, compassion and forgiveness of self, it becomes real to extend that to others and move beyond what divides. I bel The title of this book really attracted me. I am a person who has experienced the ramifications of living a Fierce life, experiencing the effects of attack, rejection, and social isolation and feel the author speaks to this beautifully. But at this stage in my life, self-compassion is really a journey to me...and way less about everything external to me. Once I successfully have love, compassion and forgiveness of self, it becomes real to extend that to others and move beyond what divides. I believe this is more important than anything else and what I felt the content of this book would be, not social justice and activism. Doesn't matter what side of the fence you are on, if you are judging the other guy, telling them what is wrong with them in a defensive or aggressive way, you are about separation. Although some of those words are in the book, it was not at the depth I was hoping for. In fairness, the author clearly says this is not a spiritual book, but I just cant help myself and expected it to speak to my heart. Some definitely did, but important content did not. There are judgements and prejudices used through out the book that made me almost abandon it, namely: the heavy emphasis on studies that proved over and over how important self compassion is versus tools on how to improve self compassion; the feminist dialog did seem to discount others except for Black Lives Matters where the author found a way to exclaim the pervasiveness of white supremacy, and how frequently political and social justice/activism was used to make the key points and examples. It was a distraction for me because quite a few times I did not agree with the one sided generalizations being made but I choose to believe her point was to show up, speak up, bring your brave heart to social injustice...what ever topic that may be, it is just that I have learned that not many people want to come to the table when you are shaming, blaming, and doing a power play to control them, So that bugged me a little and likely would have been ignored if it was not sprinkled through the entire book, but when the author turns her attention fully to the foundation of self compassion... wow, really great stuff and something needed by so many.

  13. 4 out of 5

    Karla

    Review: 5 🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟 I was lucky enough to be gifted this book via The Motherload Facebook group and a competition. While i do love a leaf through self help books, they tend to be something i turn to in times of need. This one really spoke to me though and I will keep returning back to it: Fierce Self- Compassion by Dr Kristin Neff. It is such an important concept that we must keep trying to practise - breaking down gender role constructs to allow ourselves as women to express the full range of w Review: 5 🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟 I was lucky enough to be gifted this book via The Motherload Facebook group and a competition. While i do love a leaf through self help books, they tend to be something i turn to in times of need. This one really spoke to me though and I will keep returning back to it: Fierce Self- Compassion by Dr Kristin Neff. It is such an important concept that we must keep trying to practise - breaking down gender role constructs to allow ourselves as women to express the full range of who we are, both tender and fierce. We should not be sorry for showing that fierceness, but rather harness it. It is this power that allows us to protect our children, ourselves, engage in work, and motivate change. It isn't even about always getting it right, but just opening up.to it is enough. Dr Kristin Neff refers to a quotation overhead by a meditation teacher: "The goal of practice is simply to become a compassionate mess". She continues to outline that "if your goal is just to be supportive helpful and compassionate toward yourself whatever occurs, your goal is always achievable". It has taken me to almost 40yrs to learn to speak up, to say yes when I want to, and no when I don't want to, to find some sort of self balance between being wife, mother, teacher, volunteer and carve space to find myself without all the guilt. I try, I fail, I try again. Importantly now I realise that this self compassion is a must and that I don't need to make the fierce expressions go away, but rather make them work for me in a positive way. I am now re reading and highlighting key quotations as I want to remember this feeling of self power, control , strength and courage. A powerful and moving book. It has definitely made me more self aware and self evaluate. #fierceselfcompassion #drkristinneff #femaleempowerment

  14. 4 out of 5

    Paula

    This is the 2nd book I've read by Neff. I originally read Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, which I thought was better. This one is geared for women and I found Part 1: Why Women Need Fierce Self-Compassion to be too political and too depressing. She clearly has a Democratic bias. Yes being female can have challenges but the way she talks about the problems makes us sound like victims and it's a bit too inaccurate for my liking. Men and women both have different life c This is the 2nd book I've read by Neff. I originally read Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, which I thought was better. This one is geared for women and I found Part 1: Why Women Need Fierce Self-Compassion to be too political and too depressing. She clearly has a Democratic bias. Yes being female can have challenges but the way she talks about the problems makes us sound like victims and it's a bit too inaccurate for my liking. Men and women both have different life challenges and I've heard many perspectives from both genders. Life is hard for most people so I just found it was trying to make women sound like they are helpless victims. This probably was not her intention but that's how it comes off. In other words, Part 1 was not objective. We've come a long way and that should be celebrated. There will always be ways that life can improve for females so why drag people down. Felt unempowering. I found Part II more interesting as it covers the techniques. I found Chapter 8 Becoming Our Best Selves to be the most interesting chapter from this book since it talks about how people think we need to be hard on ourselves to be successful. The evidence suggests that self compassion fosters a growth mindset which helps us to be more resilient and therefore more likely to achieve success.

  15. 5 out of 5

    Neil Pasricha

    Yes, the word ‘women’ is in the sub-title but I feel this book could apply to anyone. Let’s take a big step back, though. Kristin Neff is the world’s foremost authority on self-compassion. This is her second book after "Self-Compassion" which came out years ago and has turned into a modern classic. Kristin was first to define and really empirically research self-compassion from her home base as a professor at the University of Texas in Austin and her work has been cited by other studies over 30, Yes, the word ‘women’ is in the sub-title but I feel this book could apply to anyone. Let’s take a big step back, though. Kristin Neff is the world’s foremost authority on self-compassion. This is her second book after "Self-Compassion" which came out years ago and has turned into a modern classic. Kristin was first to define and really empirically research self-compassion from her home base as a professor at the University of Texas in Austin and her work has been cited by other studies over 30,000 times. (!) She divides self-compassion into two buckets. “Tender self-compassion harnesses the energy of nurturing to alleviate suffering, while fierce self-compassion harnesses the energy of action to alleviate suffering.” My wife Leslie is a huge fan of her work and if the subject sounds intriguing you can go deeper on Kristin’s website at self-compassion.org. I really enjoyed interviewing Kristin for my podcast "3 Books".

  16. 5 out of 5

    Laura

    Strong recommend for people living through grief and change, including for folks who are or have been caregivers and/or work in/are committed to social change. I definitely benefitted from Mindful Self-Compassion courses (curriculum that Neff co-developed) a few years ago, I still listen to some of her guided meditations. This book weaves in some of that work and new data in an interesting and pragmatic way. Some of the chapters resonated deeply for things that I and loved ones are going through Strong recommend for people living through grief and change, including for folks who are or have been caregivers and/or work in/are committed to social change. I definitely benefitted from Mindful Self-Compassion courses (curriculum that Neff co-developed) a few years ago, I still listen to some of her guided meditations. This book weaves in some of that work and new data in an interesting and pragmatic way. Some of the chapters resonated deeply for things that I and loved ones are going through/have recently experienced. I really appreciate her sharing research and perspective. Slow your pace and revisit your assumptions about why you do what you do and read this book.

  17. 5 out of 5

    Kaley Sechman

    Appreciate the activities for self-compassion throughout the book & I do believe self-compassion is an important tool with countless benefits. Disappointed in another feminist writing that mentions unrealistic standards placed on women (contributing to the development of eating disorders), yet still includes the diet culture ideas and fatphobic language. I could do without so many personal stories as well.

  18. 4 out of 5

    Tiffany

    I've been needing this book in my life and in my coaching for a long time! I now feel like I'm working with the complete picture of self-compassion -- the yang energy as well. I've already used several exercises in the book personally and with clients with great insight coming through. Glad this book and content exists!! With the wisdom of Kristin Neff and Tara Brach, self-compassion has transformed my relationship with myself, and those of my clients. ❤️ I've been needing this book in my life and in my coaching for a long time! I now feel like I'm working with the complete picture of self-compassion -- the yang energy as well. I've already used several exercises in the book personally and with clients with great insight coming through. Glad this book and content exists!! With the wisdom of Kristin Neff and Tara Brach, self-compassion has transformed my relationship with myself, and those of my clients. ❤️

  19. 5 out of 5

    Rachelle

    Fierce Self-Compassion... powerful research driven methodology to practice kindness to ourselves and reap benefits of happier life for us and friends and family surrounding us. I enjoyed the exercises included in each chapter and helpful suggestions to mindfully practice compassion in stressful moments and for long term use.

  20. 4 out of 5

    Angela

    I think often now of this concept of balancing my fierce and compassionate parts. For me, and for women in general, it can be hard to balance the two. I can tend to overplay my compassionate, gentle side and then swing wildly to my fierce side. I’m learning that everything works better when I hold both in balance together.

  21. 5 out of 5

    Katie

    I guess I put this one in the "self-help" genre, maybe? I would say this book was pretty repetitive, and not exactly what I expected, but it gave some decent strategies (backed up by the author's own research) on how to be more assertive and advocate for yourself, while controlling and channeling anger at unfair situations rather than being solely reactive. I guess I put this one in the "self-help" genre, maybe? I would say this book was pretty repetitive, and not exactly what I expected, but it gave some decent strategies (backed up by the author's own research) on how to be more assertive and advocate for yourself, while controlling and channeling anger at unfair situations rather than being solely reactive.

  22. 5 out of 5

    Amy

    This was a great book to help with what self compassion really means and why it is so important to practice. Great information on how being fierce with this practice can really help us let go of the critical judgment we place on ourselves and others.

  23. 4 out of 5

    sandra B. Cohen

    Student I’m a student of your work. I am glad to offer two classes based on the work in this book. I’ve tried to get in touch with the author to no avail. I will be fierce in my continued attempts. Sandra Cohen

  24. 4 out of 5

    Kim

    But Kristin Neff’s work is so important — and I love the concepts and practices in this book. However, it could have been condensed by about 1/4.

  25. 5 out of 5

    Holly

    Feminist through and through, and well researched.

  26. 4 out of 5

    Lisa Totino

    Impulsive buy at Amazon Books gone wrong

  27. 5 out of 5

    Megan Anderson

    I wanted to like this book more than I actually did. I think much of her analysis of feminism felt surface-level and limited to her own (white, cishet, middle class) values and perspectives. It was hard to not feel like the book was a little out of touch sometimes with its goals and intents in that respect (For example — her use of ‘transsexual’ in the book was cringe-worthy at best). Many of the exercises in the book appear helpful and I would like to try them myself, but I feel as though they I wanted to like this book more than I actually did. I think much of her analysis of feminism felt surface-level and limited to her own (white, cishet, middle class) values and perspectives. It was hard to not feel like the book was a little out of touch sometimes with its goals and intents in that respect (For example — her use of ‘transsexual’ in the book was cringe-worthy at best). Many of the exercises in the book appear helpful and I would like to try them myself, but I feel as though they would have been even more impactful and profound if they were rooted in a more in-depth understanding of contemporary intersectional feminism and it’s issues. It appears as a useful toolkit in need of much adaptation for my own purposes and best serve relevant political forces. bell hooks’ “All About Love” stands out to me as much more thorough, thoughtful, and useful, in comparison to this text. However, I am a big fan of self-compassion itself and think it’s uses do outweigh some of the flaws I felt in the book.

  28. 5 out of 5

    Mary

    I really enjoyed this book. The author gives great examples on how to live with huge self compassion and how to cultivate it. The exercises in this book are very simple yet powerful. I would highly recommend this book to any woman interested in deepening their compassion for themselves and anyone in their life.

  29. 4 out of 5

    Stark

    This helps me barf less at the concept of “self-compassion” which always seemed like it was for weenies.

  30. 4 out of 5

    Gabriela Tapia

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